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Sunday, September 28, 2008

Dealing with Cliques - Monday 9/29

The Rabbi Shmuley Show - Oprah & Friends XM Radio
Dealing with Cliques - Monday 9/29

Remember the pressure to be in the “right” clique in school?

Rabbi Shmuley thinks it can feel a little bit like Lord of the Rings.
They’re primitive, and created by kids as a response to wanting to be
insiders and be popular.  “It’s constant pressure on kids—are you part
of the group, or are you out of it?  They’re dangerous, because kids are
naturally so open to being friends with anyone—and cliques can corrupt
that natural ” says Rabbi Shmuley.

When he first moved from LA to Miami, he immediately encountered cliques.
There was one kid in particular who everyone wanted to be friends with.
The most popular clique saw his vulnerability and exploited it.

One reason why kids are drawn to being in an exclusive clique?  According
to Rabbi Shmuley,  “group identity is easier to develop than an individual
identity.  We need to encourage our kids to find their own unique identity,
and not identify so strongly with one group.”  He says that the way to do
this is to help our kids identify what their uniqueness is.

When a child identifies too strongly with a group of friends, they run the
risk of losing their own special gifts, and their innate goodness.  “When
you’re part of a clique, you’re automatically excluding other kids.  You
feel better about yourself for no reason other than being in the “in
crowd.”, says Rabbi Shmuley.

If you have a child who is “popular,” or a natural leader, they’re still
not in the clear.  Make sure to have a conversation with them that
artificial popularity can be limiting and corrosive to their identity, too.
Be sure that they don’t base their self worth on how many people like them,
or how many people want to be friends with them.  “Encourage them to base
their self-worth on being kind, generous, and a good person to everyone
they meet, no matter their social status,” says Rabbi Shmuley.  “Basing
ones self worth on how other people see you is never healthy.”

If you have a child who is struggling to find friends at school, make sure
to talk to them about how they feel. “Rather than feeling like they have to
be part of the “in crowd,” try making friendships with the other kids.
What that does is really make other kids feel special, and then your child
will be a leader in their own right,” says Rabbi Shmuley.

SHMULEYISM:  Cliques are corrosive to children.  They give children a sense
that popularity is more important than integrity, and that some kids are
more worthwhile to befriend than others.  Kids who strive for popularity
will one day base their self-worth on superficial things like money, power
and fame.  Therefore, parents need to talk to their kids about never
erasing their individual gifts in order to “fit into” a group.

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