No name calling. Ever. Don’t call your spouse “stupid,”
“stubborn,” or “idiot.” Certainly, never use expletives like the “B”
word, which comes in both the masculine and feminine variety. Name
calling is the classic sign that you intend to hurt rather than heal,
to maim rather than mend.

Included in name-calling are words like “shallow,” “materialistic,” “arrogant,” and “selfish.” With each of these words you will simply offend your spouse and put them on the defensive, virtually guaranteeing their own reprisals and an escalation of the conflict.

Criticize behavior rather than character. Never
say, “You’re such a stubborn person,” but rather, “I think you’re being
stubborn on this issue,” or even better, “I feel you’re not really
listening to what I’m saying.” Don’t say, “You’re incredibly
self-centered,” but rather “Please think about my feelings on this
subject and not just your own.”

Never bring your spouse’s family into the argument.
“You’re just like your mother,” is always a low blow. It suggests your
spouse is a victim of genetic inferiority. It also suggests that they
are born a certain way and cannot control their behavior. You’re also
insulting people they love. Telling him he’s a hothead just like his
father will simply get his back up and goad him to strike back by
attacking your family.

Bringing uninvolved family members is also an act of alienation. It is a way of telling your spouse, “You’re not even related to me, but to those misfits who behave just as weirdly as you do.” Alienation is the very heart of real conflict, treating your spouse as a distant ‘other’ rather than what they really are, bone of your bone, and flesh of your flesh.

Never speak in anger. Control your temper, and if
you can’t, refrain from saying anything until you’ve calmed down.
Speaking in anger will make you sound like you’re attacking your
spouse. And speaking about things that upset you while you are angry is
only going to make things worse. Words are to anger as fuel is to fire.

Nothing good ever comes out of words uttered in anger. Later you’ll come with your tail between your legs and say that you didn’t mean all the mean things you said. But the damage will have been done. Wait till you’re calm, even a few minutes. Go and take a walk outside. Count to one hundred. Then have the conversation.

Don’t cut each other off. Wait till the person
finishes, then state your view. Cutting off your spouse in mid-sentence
is a terrible sign of disrespect and is bound to lead to a shouting
match, rather than to being heard. Which leads us to the next point.

Don’t yell. You’ll frighten the children a well as
each other. Yelling is a sign that you’re out of control. Your face
becomes contorted and twisted, looking sinister and scary. You sound
unreasonable and mean-spirited. You’re not particularly lovable when
you yell.

Worse, yelling at someone is an assault and invites them to yell right back. Soon, the house is at fever pitch and the children are using their pillows to cover their ears. And yelling is so loud is causes an echo. What you’re saying will never be absorbed. It will just bounce back, thereby ensuring your point is never made or accepted.

Don’t go to sleep until you have peacefully
settled an argument. You’ll wake up distant, angry, and the argument
will fester. You’ll slowly grow apart. You’ll get used to sleeping in
different beds or worse, different rooms. Better to stay up, barely
sleep, talk and be tired the net day then proceed with unresolved anger
toward your spouse.

Finally, always apologize if you’ve been hurtful.
There are no excuses. Apologize even if you’re right. You’re still
wrong to argue. I learned from a story about the Lubavitcher Rebbe that
its better to lose an argument and win a relationship, then win an
argument and lose a friend.

This is especially true in marriage where your spouse is your best friend. It always surprises me that so many of the husbands and wives I counsel would rather score points in an argument and feel vindicated - even if it means going days on end without communicating or sleeping in the same bed as their spouse - then simply apologize. In marriage, better to make peace and never be lonely, then to insist on your personal righteousness and feel distant from your spouse.

You were once single. Clearly, you preferred marriage. So let’s keep it that way.