Wednesday, June 02, 2010

Gore v. Gore, or How to Survive Marriage in the Public Eye

Wow. I sure didn’t see this coming. Al and Tipper Gore separating? Say it ain’t so. Just goes to show you. You never know what’s going on in other people’s marriages. The smart money was on Bill and Hillary either killing each other or at least moving to different continents. But Al and Tipper? You mean, the couple that publicly put on the kiss to end all kisses at the Democratic Convention? Not that I ever thought that kiss was anything but a stage-managed ploy to dispel Gore’s R2D2 image. But I did think they were soul-mates and deeply in love.

Truth be told, I have always said, without even the benefit of hindsight, that Bill and Hillary love each other very deeply. You can see what a Rottweiler Bill is when it comes to defending his wife. He may be a sexually weak man, but he does greatly admire his wife. And how could she not continue to fall for a guy like Bill? For all his serious shortcomings, he has the one great thing that women long for in men. He is a man deeply in touch with his feelings. Hey, he even felt our pain, right?
The Gores, however, had a different relationship. Al is an earnest guy. Emotions on the sleeve just aren’t his thing. You can see from how he handled the whole ‘global warming’ thing that he has the mentality of a Crusader, out to save the world. And that’s great. For the world, that is. But not necessarily for his wife. All too often we men who are out to change history end up forgetting the ‘little people’ at home. When you’re playing on a global stage the kitchen might not feel as enticing. And all that travel and separation. Yes, absence does make the heart grow fonder. But too much absence deadens the heart completely.
I have long said that the most important lesson public figures must keep in mind with regards to their families and personal lives is that you’re not a hero if the people who mean the most to you think the least of you. You can be a world-figure with a Nobel Prize and you can come within an inch of winning most powerful office on earth. But you still have to remember that family is not a means to an end. They’re not there merely for campaigns and for causes. They are an end in and of themselves. In your life they are the most important people. Way more important than the public.
I know that Al Gore knew this for most of his life. But with this latest campaign, might he have begun to forget?
This isn’t me preaching to Al Gore but rather preaching to myself and all other men who are at risk of making these mistakes. I have no clue what happened in the Gore marriage and it’s a bit of an intrusion just to speculate. But as a culture we finally have to get serious about how many high profile people – especially celebrities – cannot stay married. And when even the most serious and respected people in the land, who have been married for 40 years, can’t make it work, then we all need to wake up about the disintegration of family and marriage in our time.
During the Obama-McCain race I published several op-eds that argued for marital counseling being made tax-deductible in the United States. The sad fact is that one out of two marriages in the US don’t make it. Studies show that most couples, if they get counseling, do survive and even find substantial happiness. But most couples simply cannot afford counseling. Why not give them the financial incentive to do so? We give tax-breaks for charity and even for driving fuel-efficient cars. Is the integrity of the American family any less important?
John Lennon wanted to save the world. He wrote the most beautiful music about world peace. I am moved by it till this very day. But his own personal world – the first time round – completely crumbled. By his own admission he was unfaithful to his wife Cynthia and then did not see his son Julian for years. Luckily, he learned the lesson when it came to his second family.
Go and save the world. But remember there are two planets. The big blue planet that we’re all so intent on rescuing. And the little, more loving, more cuddly planet, right there in your living room.

Rabbi Shmuley Boteach is a renowned marital counselor whose books on marriage, sexuality, and relationships have been translated into 20 languages. His critically-acclaimed latest best-seller, ‘The Kosher Sutra’ is available on a special summer sale on his website. http://www.shmuley.com