Wednesday, June 24, 2009

Jon and Kate Plus 8’s Announcement

By the time you read this, Jon and Kate Gosselin of TLC’s reality show, “Jon and Kate Plus 8” will have made their “announcement,” which is being trumpeted by the TLC network. I am en route to the airport for our family adventure to Iceland where we’re guests of the Tourist Bureau. I do an annual pilgrimmage to a place of great beauty to help parents understand the importance of immersing your children in nature and getting them away from the shopping malls and materialistic greed. So right now, I do not know that announcement, but everyone’s speculating the Gosselin’s will be announcing separation and divorce and indeed, People Magazine is reporting that divorce papers have already been signed in Bucks County, Pennsylvania. If this is true, it is tragic on many levels. The first tragedy, of course, is that yet another American marriage breaks up.

The second tragedy is that there are 8 kids in the mix here who are young and impressionable and divorce scars children—I know first hand because I was the child of divorce when I was 8 years old and I have worked through a lifetime of issues that my parents have brought into my life. It’s a real shame that we sanitize divorce and make it as if it’s not a big deal. It is a very big deal. It’s a big deal for kids to be yo-yos, moving between households. It’s a big deal for kids to have feelings of guilt when they become closer to one parent as opposed to the other and they feel bad about it. It’s a big deal because the child becomes a caregiver to his or her wounded parent when really it’s the parent’s role to care for the child. But in the case of the Gosselins, the tragedy trascends all the normal issues and addresses some of the core issues of our culture. While I don’t know exactly what drove Jon and Kate apart, what cannot be denied is that their participation in a television reality show has greatly exacerbated it.

As you all know, I am a TLC television host on a show that specifically addresses families, like the Gosselins, that are in crisis. Of the 20 families we have thus far worked with on TLC’s Shalom in the Home, I’d say we were helpful to about 17 and very helpful to about 10; but, there were indeed families whose problems were made worse by their participation in a TV reality show. There are many reasons for this. One is that these families’ problems are highlighted for all the country to see. But more importantly, I think that when couples actually watch their problems on screen, and when their friends watch it, they become aware of how they’re actually being treated by their spouse and they become aware that they are putting up with intolerable behavior. And, interestingly, their family and friends may say to them “I never knew you were living like that, and how could you?” This does not mean that reality shows need to exacerbate tensions in a marriage, often it can cure them. It does mean, however, that when you have families participating in shows without any guidance or a counselor, you’re basically rolling the dice and you don’t know how it’s going to end up.
       
Let’s face it: ours is a very insecure generation, which loves fame and fortune—not that other generations didn’t love it as well, but not in the same way that we do now.  We obsess over our television stars, we read about them, and we try to live vicariously through them. We love shows like American Idol that create instant fame. It’s almost as if we’re trying to use fame to compensate for the absence of love. Of course, fame, which is based on attention and love, which is something unconditional are very different things. You get attention for something you do while you get love for something that you are. You get attention for being beautiful or being funny, while you get love simply for being someone’s child, someone’s friend or someone’s spouse. One family is used for the ultimate objective of increasing ratings; unfortunately, this avenue that we’re witnessing with Jon and Kate is often the function by which attention is increased. It is by doing things that are dysfunctional—fighting, arguing, accusations of infidelity—in other words, train wrecks that bring about the most attention. So, the pursuit of fame can often become a self-fulfilling prophecy where you become more famous the more unstable your life becomes. That Jon and Kate did not see this thing developing as it transpired, and that they seemed to have been blind to the negative side of fame is very sad. That the rest of us in society are also blind to it, because we continue to want to be famous without realizing just how messed up some of the lives of the rich and famous are, even as we read about it constantly in tabloids, means that we’re not looking to learn any of the lessons of fame. As far as I’m concerned, lesson number 1 about modern celebrity is what the ancient Rabbis said in the Talmud: “The more you seek recognition and renown, the more it eludes you.” In other words, the reason you’re seeking it is to address your own inner insecurities. It eludes you because no matter how much you think that fame is going to solve your problems and you’ll feel loved, that will never happen. It will just exacerbate your insecurities. Now the public holds the key to your own self worth. Now fans, who you have never met, will determine by watching your TV show or buying your albums, whether you’re still important to the culture. It’s just going to increase your insecurities.
       
The solution to the lack of love in our lives is not fame and it’s not money. The solution is stronger families, stronger relationships, a deeper connection with god, and a more purposeful life.

This blog was dictated and unchecked by Rabbi Shmuley.