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Shmuley and Rick in a Public Discussion
Shmuley and Rick in a Public Discussion
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Friday, January 02, 2009
Q&A WITH RABBI SHMULEY BOTEACH, AUTHOR OF THE KOSHER SUTRA
Is sex alive and well in America?
Absolutely not. One-third of American couples are completely platonic and those couples that are having sex only do so once a week—and only for a few minutes, at that. These days, with how little sex is going on, it’s hard to believe that babies aren’t actually delivered by a stork…
But the younger, recently-wed couples don’t fall into this category, right?
Well, they may be more passionate at first but after a year or two they fall into the same rut. What used to be a seven-year itch is now about a three year scratch. Things get dull mighty quickly.
Is this why Americans consume such vast quantities of television, internet, movies, etc?
Yes. The lack of sex means a lack of excitement and eroticism, and so people seek an escape through popcorn movies and celebrity gossip. Eroticism is the magnetic pull to the layers that lie beneath the surface. It’s life lived with an insatiable curiosity. Because this is absent from the average American’s life, we pursue mindless escapes to keep things exciting.
In addition to television and internet, Americans are also increasingly turning to medications like antidepressants and sleeping pills. Why is that?
Because Americans are taught to hate tension. They seek an inner deadness which they mistake for inner peace. The two are not the same. Peace is the reconciliation of opposing energies, while deadness is the obliteration of those energies. The man who veges in front to the TV has not found inner harmony but inner annihilation. This is why Western sexuality is so boring. When people are ‘horny,’ they are taught to immediately sow their wild oats by having sex. It’s an urge that is there to be purged. You have to get it out of your system. We use sex to relax, even to sleep. Just think about how strange that is. We use the most passionate form of human expression in order to rid ourselves of passion. Sex is treated like some pill you take to restore inner calm.
But is sex in America really so different? Is it really so bad?
It’s not just bad, it’s boring. Western sexuality is goal-oriented, geared toward climax. It’s like getting hungry. You eat. Presto. You’re not hungry any more. But is this attitude going to lead to intimacy? Eastern sexuality, on the other hand, like Tantra and Kabala (both of which play an important role in this book), approach sex not as a goal-oriented activity but as means-oriented. Both emphasize delayed gratification, or sex without climax. Both emphasize that there is a higher purpose to sex, namely, the arrival at an indivisible oneness and the achievement of an erotic consciousness.
Sex without climax—doesn’t that sort of defeat the purpose?
No, that’s just one of the ways to make your sex life instantly more gratifying. You have to apply several erotic secrets to help achieve this goal. The first, as I mentioned, is sex without orgasm (something tantric masters have argued for centuries). Sex without climax involves re-channeling all your desire so that it detonates internally instead of being expunged externally. For a woman, this means being brought to the verge of climax repeatedly without crossing the threshold until the desire is so great that she enters into a higher mind-state. For a man, the experience is somewhat different. Since orgasm involves ejaculation, a literal expunging of the sexual elixir, for a man internal climax is defined as a mind orgasm, explosions of incredible erotic power that go off like depth charges in the brain. The mind orgasm is where a man, brought to the heights of erotic desire by continued sexual buildup and by refraining from sexual release, has all his erotic pleasure redirected away from the genitals so that it is released in the mind. He explodes cerebrally and the erotic steam generated by the explosion is channeled back into his bloodstream, making him crave and yearn for the woman in his wife ever more deeply.
There are others, of course, like eyes-open sex, when an electrical charge passes through ‘the window to the soul’ and you remove from one another all artificial layers. Third, wives boldly sharing with their husbands their deepest erotic fantasies (most husbands end up only knowing their wives most basic desires). Plenty more tips are in the book…how did you guess?
How does male sexuality differ from female sexuality?
Female sexuality is much more potent. Men treat sex as an out-of-body experience. Their genitalia being on the outside, they find it easy to compartmentalize from their emotions. For women, however, sex is an intimate experience, a literal sharing of self. It’s an holistic package. Female sexuality is directly connected with the emotions, and as such, is explosive and awe-inspiring.
If women are such sexual beings, why are so many marriages lacking in sex?
Because too many husbands kill off their wives’ libidos by failing to focus on them, and too many wives allow their sexuality to atrophy by treating themselves as ordinary. Take the number of wives who will go to the bathroom in front of their husbands, or parade around the bedroom naked. After a while, their bodies lose their erotic magnetism. Couples dare not grow too familiar with each other. There has to be something off-limits, something forbidden, in order for it to remain erotic. The same can be said for how couples fail to bring novelty into their relationships. And here, I don’t mean going to some hotel room to spice things up. I mean erotic novelty, divulging fantasy, pealing away external layers of inhibition so that our erotic underbelly is manifest.
This lack of novelty in the relationship—is that why men cheat?
Men cheat because all are drawn to the allure of the forbidden. Their wives are too legal and too available. Therefore, even marriages need a strong element of the forbidden and the mysterious. There are parts of a wife that must remain off-limits to her husband, and which he must earn. Likewise, a lot of men make the mistake of thinking that a mistress rather than a wife can make them feel like winners, when really, finding a remedy to pain must come from within.
And women? Why do they cheat?
Because women crave an erotic and electrical charge with a man, something that is often neglected and/or forgotten by their husbands. Women cheat when they feel their husband’s erotic interest is no longer on them. That’s soul-destroying, because it’s a denial of their core femininity. Husbands begin to see their wives as the mothers of their children, while a lover sees them as a seductress. Wives miss that in their marriage…very much. Women are much more drawn to the erotic than men. They always know when a man is interested in them.
So how do we remedy all of this—how do we repair our relationships and restore sex within our marriages?
Eroticism is key. And erotica is not a woman holding a whip or a man clad in leather. Rather, it’s where a man and woman invite infinite possibility and curiosity into their relationships. It’s where a man and woman peer into each other’s eyes and learn to communicate non-verbally. It’s where a man experiences a woman with all his senses and not just his eyes. It’s the insatiable desire to know someone completely, and getting there consists of eight key ingredients…
For those, of course, you’ll have to read the book.
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