Friday, June 11, 2010

Rabbi says the hard work of good marriages done at home

By MIMI HONEYCUTT - Copyright 2010 Houston Chronicle - 
June 10, 2010, 5:52PM

From raucous celebrity breakups to solemn divorce statistics, America can seem like a nation of dysfunctional families. One man who does his part to heal them is author, speaker and television host Rabbi Shmuley Boteach.

—Original Article Here—

The author of 18 books, including The Kosher Sutra and 10 Conversations You Need to Have With Your Children, as well as the host of TLC’s Shalom in the Home, the father of nine is as much of a relationship counselor as a spiritual leader.

In his newest book, Renewal: A Guide to the Values-Filled Life, Boteach goes even further.

“The book is my core philosophy of universal values,” Boteach said. “The United States is a country of great wealth — but we fail on the material front. Enough is never enough. Our relationships are not in a healthy place. We don’t have a civil political atmosphere, and our economy is shaky. There does not seem to be a great culture of responsibility.”
Boteach discusses values rooted in Judaism such as action, enlightenment and sacred time. He also uses examples from religion, history and modern culture. Along with values, Renewal offers insights into fixing relationships, from spouses to children to the entire world.

Of course, the relationship of the hour comes straight from Washington. Many cannot believe that Al and Tipper Gore, America’s political sweethearts, are divorcing — especially when turbulent couples such as the Clintons are still together.

Though the rabbi believes marriages are always mysterious, looking into the archetypes of Clinton and Gore can shed some speculative light on these relationships.
“I always believed that Bill and Hillary Clinton were in love with each other,” Boteach said. “Women love men who show emotions. Clinton has that ability. He’s caused his wife a lot of pain, (but) he demonstrates a lot of emotion and women love that. Al Gore is much more serious. (He) comes across as more routinized and less adventurous … that can cause a marriage to falter.”

Meanwhile, Clinton’s rakish streak, though leading to sexual weakness, harkens back to the classic bad boy. Many women, Boteach said, are drawn to the bad-boy archetype because they believe in a goodness only they can see.

And their relationship is far from one-sided. Despite Clinton’s infidelities, he has had undying faithfulness to her career.

“Just look at the support he gave his wife during her campaign — he campaigned his guts out for her,” the rabbi said. “He defended his wife like a lion.”
Gore, on the other hand, may have been too busy lecturing on global warming to be as supportive.

“ Al Gore certainly is a crusader,” Boteach said. “He takes his causes very seriously. What I’ve discovered is that when you marry a crusader, he doesn’t switch off. Go on and talk about global warming, but when you go home you have to tell your wife how beautiful her dress is. You need to show humanity at home, not righteousness.”
But with 40-year marriages falling apart, is there anyone to look to for a positive example? The media are little help. In his book, the rabbi discusses the media’s constant emphasis on perfection and public achievement. In relationships, Boteach said that the media will always publicize dysfunctional relationships over happy ones.

If America wants an example of a good relationship, it should look at the Obamas.

“Every politician is a narcissist,” Boteach said. “ What Obama did was choose a woman who was perfectly in balance and capable of knocking him off his pedestal. She’s a woman of real virtue and real values, and she’s admired by the overwhelming majority of America.”

Falling in line with Boteach’s views, however, people must act if they want to see changes. Role models are admirable, but families need to make real changes to fix problems and broken relationships. Though his books contain many insights for repairing a home life, he had a simple suggestion for where to start.

“Humility has the capacity to mend relationships,” Boteach said. “It’s amazing how forgiving people become.”

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