Rabbi Shmuley Boteach’s Words to his son<?xml:namespace prefix = o />

Mendy on the Occasion of His Bar Mitzvah

May 6, 2006

Mendy, today is your Bar Mitzvah. When I was Bar Mitzvaed a quarter of a century ago, I remember taking the event very seriously. I marked it not only as a social occasion, but as the first great milestone of my life, a turning point where I was leaving the years of childhood and entering the years of mature responsibility. As your father, I want to help inspire you through that transition with words that I hope will stay with you forever.

Your Torah reading is Acharei Mos-Kedoshim, wherein G-d commands us to ‘You shall be holy, because I the Lord your G-d am Holy.’ Listen to those words. G-d doesn’t command us to be wise, just as He is wise. Less so does he instruct us to be powerful, just as He is powerful. Rather, the lesson for you to take with you throughout your life is that we are meant to be holy.

To be holy is to be different. That which is holy is set apart. The Sabbath is holy because it is a day distinguished from the other days of the week. We act differently on the Sabbath that we do on Wednesday. The <?xml:namespace prefix = st1 />Temple in Jerusalem is holy because it demanded a higher level of consciousness when visiting its consecrated space. And the Jewish people are a holy nation because of the special historical mission they have to bring the knowledge of G-d to all the nations of the earth.

To be a Jew, Mendy, is to stand apart.

When all the world was worshipping idols, carved from stone and sculpted from Rock, Abraham discovered the invisible Creator who hid in the starry night. When all of Egypt turned a blind eye to Pharaoh’s enslavement of an innocent people, Moses stood apart by striking an Egyptian task master who was beating a slave. And, as Benjamin Disraeli, the great British Prime Minister, responded to an anti-Semite’s derogatory reference to of Disraeli’s Jewish identity, “Yes, I am a Jew and when the ancestors of the right honorable gentleman were brutal savages in an unknown island, mine were priests in the temple of Solomon.”

While the mighty of the earth slaughtered the weak, the Jews preached the Ten Commandments: you cannot kill, no matter how strong you are. You may not steal, no matter how needy you are. And you cannot commit adultery, no matter how horny you are.

While all the world bowed before the might of Rome, the Jews twice rebelled against the insurmountable might of the Caesars. And yes, they were slaughtered in their thousands. But they held on to holiness by refusing to worship Rome‘s gods.

What is a Jew? It is the courage to be different. While the rest of the world strives to be loved, the Jew strives to be holy. While the rest of the world strives to impress their fellow man, the Jew strives to impress none but G-d alone.

To be a Jew is to wear a beard on your face, like what your Torah reading says, “Lo takifu pe’as zekonekha,” you shall not destroy the edge of your beard.” And I know it’s awkward now, Mendy. Because in the Boteach family we have mustaches at birth - boys and girls alike. (just kidding, girls).

I have often been told by TV producers, even publishers, that I should trim my beard. Just a little. Fit in more, look more refined. And I never did. Not even trim it. Because I knew that if I did, I’d be doing it to fit in. And I was training myself to feel OK being different.

How many students did I meet at Oxford that were afraid to be different, afraid to stand apart. I spent eleven years at Oxford. I saw many things that disappointed me. But none more than the large number of Jewish students who would arrive with Yarmulkes and quickly take them off. They weren’t abandoning G-d. Rather, they were betraying themselves. The very first thing they did upon arriving was display weakness and a desire to be part of the pack.

When we traveled through South Dakota, a few years ago, Mendy, you’ll remember that in Badlands National Park, there was a terrible storm. And we saw hundreds of cows that herded together, out of fear, under the thundering skies. And that’s what most people do a they confront that one great fear in life: that they won’t be loved. The herd instinct is a reaction to a fear of being different, of being rejected, of being an outcast. The desire to be loved is so strong that most people are prepared to erase their individuality just in order to be accepted. Abraham Lincoln once remarked that the tragedy of being human is that all of us are born G-d’s original, but most of us die man’s copy.

There are women who are prepared to remain in abusive relationships in order to be loved. There are kids prepared to start taking drugs just to win over friends. And there are teenage girls who are prepared to have sex with boys who don’t love them because if they don’t offer up their bodies they won’t, in their minds, get the boy’s heart.

You be different, Mendy. Don’t look to be loved, look to be holy. Don’t look to be accepted. Look to be you. Don’t look to be popular. Look to be righteous.

Assert your individuality. Know your gifts. Live according to the courage of your convictions.

Ever since Homer wrote about Achilles, Agamemnon, and Odysseus, people have been looking to become those popular heroes. They have played to the masses in order to win their favor, from ancient generals to modern NBA stars. But you be strong. Don’t look to win people over. Look to win G-d over.

The prophet Micah said it best, Mendy. He asked the people, What does G-d require of you? To act justly, to love mercy, and to walk humbly with your God.’ Walk with G-d wherever it will lead you. Walk with G-d even when it forces you to walk alone. Walk with G-d even when if feels, as did in Auschwitz, that G-d has abandoned you.

Visit Israel - or even live in Israel - even when everyone else is afraid to because of terrorist bombs.

Don’t be afraid of being different. Be courageous enough to be an individual. Whereas others will seek to be loved by society by acquiring money, power, and fame, you seek to distinguish yourself by holiness and moral virtue.

Your Torah portion says exactly how you can become holy. Even if everyone else is lying, be bold enough to tell the truth. “Lo Teshakru ish b’amito-You shall not lie to one another.” Even while all others cheat each other in the marketplace, be strong and honest. “Lo taashok es reacha velo tigzol - You shall not cheat your fellow and you shall not rob.” While others might take advantage of the disadvantaged and the weak, be a champion of the disadvantaged: “Lifnei Iver lo titen michshol,’ do not place a stumbling block before the blind.”

When the whole world condemns America for invading Iraq, stand up for those who stand up to tyrants: “You shall not stand aside while your fellow’s blood is shed.”

When all kids your age watch Access Hollywood and read Us Weekly, display a total lack of interest in scandal: “Don’t be a gossipmonger among your people.” While others may bear a grudge, you be the first one to apologize, “You shall not hate your brother in your heart… you shall not take revenge.”

And when others speak with racist overtones, don’t just go silent in order to fit in. Whether it’s a Jewish person using the word, “Shvartza,” or a black person saying that Israel oppresses Palestinians because of their darker skin, or a religious person who thinks that Biblical teachings give them a right to hate homosexuals, stand up and be holy - be different, open your mouth. Remember what G-d said, Mendy, “When a stranger lives in your land, do not taunt him. The stranger who dwells with you shall be like a native among you, and you shall love him like yourself.”

Because the most beautiful and most important teaching of all, in your Bar Mitzvah reading, is the most famous and important of all Biblical teachings, “Veohavta leriacha komocha - love your fellow man as yourself.” Every human being is G-d’s child and your equal human brother and sister.

Most parents want to give their children the things they didn’t have, Mendy. And by that they mean the material things. But I want you to have the spiritual virtue that I have lacked. I don’t want you to make my mistakes. I want you to be better than me.

In my life, I have always been a seeker, have always looked to prove myself, have constantly examined to what I should devote myself. And in so doing, I have often made the mistake of thinking that being loved was the most important thing. I always wanted to do good things with my life - serve as a Rabbi at Oxford to students, write books to heal families. But I wanted to be known for those good things. Recognition was super-important to me. And in my own quest for recognition, I made big mistakes, like believing that Hollywood celebrities would be a good way to promote G-dly values. I was flattered that famous people loved me.

Now I know that my mistake was simply to want to be loved rather to be holy. Had I wanted to be holy, I would never have lent credibility to a rock star who had made himself into an idol. Had I wanted to be holy, I would still have written books like Kosher Sex, to save marriages, but I would have conducted myself more humbly vis a vis my critics when so many attacks followed in the wake of the book’s publication.

I now know Mendy, that there is no other way to live than to make your life a Kiddush Hashem, to direct every singe action toward the glorification of G-d’s holy name. To “be holy,” as your parsha declares, ‘because G-d is holy.” Devote your life to making G-d shine. Wear a yarmulke on your head, and every time you act compassionately, you make G-d sparkle. Wear your tzitzis out and every time you offer a woman in the grocery story help with her packages, you make G-d glitter. Every time you get on to a bus and you greet the driver with dignity, you make G-d sparkle. Every time you give a homeless man on the street a dollar with the words, “G-d bless you sir,” you make G-d shimmer. Every time you’re provoked and you choose to rise above the provocation, you make G-d glisten.

I want you to remember my words, today, on your Bar Mitzvah. Make your life a Kiddush Hashem. Too many Jews have believed throughout time that we sanctify G-d’s names by how we die. But the truth is that we sanctify G-d’s name by how we live. Death has been forced upon us Jews, and we have lost millions of holy martyrs to hatred. But it wasn’t their deaths that they consecrated to G-d, but their lives.

Give your life to G-d, Mendy. Make Him the center of your being. When you’re going to use a curse word, think about G-d. When you’re going to say something mean to someone, think about G-d. And when you hear that another person is in need and you’re about to pretend that you don’t see, think about G-d.

You have made proud to be your father. You’re a boy of great heart with a sharp mind. You remember everything you read and you are sure to always share it with me. But from today, you become a man. And there are two types of men. Small men, and big men. You be one of those big men. Live for the grand ideals, Mendy, that which electrifies the heavens and causes the earth to quake.

And keep the words of King David, spoken on the very last day of his life to his twelve year old son Solomon, before you always: “I am about to go the way of the entire earth. So be strong and become a man. Observe all that G-d requires: Walk in his ways, and keep his decrees and commands, his laws and requirements, as written in the Law of Moses. So that you may prosper in all you do and wherever you go.”