Friday, June 11, 2010

Rabbi Shmuley on the cover of Celebrity Parents Magazine

One of the greatest religious leaders of our time, Rabbi Shmuley Boteach is just like any other dad. Well, almost. Sure, he has nine children with his wife, Debbie, has penned 23 best-selling books and recently met with Pope Benedict XVI. Ask Shmuley what he loves the most, though, and he’ll answer that it’s hopping on his bike and taking long rides with his kids. Just don’t ask him to do math homework. 

—Read the Original Interview Here—

What an amazing accomplishment to have written 23 books.
Thank God. And they’ve sold 23 copies.

[laughs] That’s funny.
I’m glad you laughed. If you didn’t that would mean, “Wow, this guy really is a loser!”

Let’s talk about your latest book, Renewal.
We need values. The United States is suffering a crisis of values. We are concerned with materialism and fame. We don’t have serious conversations about divorce, deep depression, family disintegration, and the general unhappiness in the world.

That’s true. We’re the richest nation in the world, with access to unlimited resources, yet we’re one of the most obese and the most highly medicated nations.
We consume ¾ of the world’s anti-depressants, according to the Washington Post. I try to find out why we’re not happy. I think happiness is the natural organic product of a purpose-lived life. If you feel that your life is a contingent existence, that it’s not intrinsic, and you don’t feel impactful, you’re not going to be happy.

You have to feel not only that you have purpose, but that your purpose is received and wanted.

That’s exactly right.

I would presume that you live a purpose-filled life.
I do feel like I have a purpose, but like anyone else, I question myself. All the time.

I would think that the level of success you achieved, both in the traditional sense and spiritually, would make it even more profound for you.
As Americans define it, success is your public following, the money you’ve earned. It’s a very unhealthy definition of success. It reduces all men to a number. How many books do you sell? What nice things do people say about you? Do you win the popularity contest?

That’s not what I meant.
For me, success is that you contribute your unique gift, and you make a difference in people’s lives. And you’re not copying someone else’s model of success; it’s all your own. I question my own values, whether I’ve been true to my mission, and my character. I question this all the time. I stand for very important things and I don’t want to betray them even slightly.

Now, as a dad, do you think you’re successful?
I have wonderful children, thank God. I say I’m blessed. Have I been successful in imparting all that I think is important to them? No. I don’t think any parent can be successful doing that. And I don’t think we’re meant to be successful, because our kids are meant to be who they are supposed to be, not what we want them to be. We’re not supposed to sit there with a hammer and chisel and sculpt them in our image. We have to let them reveal who they are.

And their own gift and their purpose.
That’s right. I hope that I’ve been successful in imparting my values to them. I tell my kids all the time that the two things they must live for are a love for God and a love for God’s children. Everything after that is just commentary. I study with my kids every night. I have regular talks with them. Sometimes they’ll send me a text message saying, “I know I looked uneasy last night, but I found the talk a little overbearing!” which is what I guess you expect teenagers to say. Then they will say that they’ve reflected on what I’ve said and it makes a difference in their behavior.

I’m a great believer in talking to our kids, not preaching to them. I’m a great believer in parents apologizing to their kids when they make mistakes. When we see our kids going off the righteous path we have to steer them right back, in the most loving and gentle means that we know. For me, that’s inspirational speeches, and sharing who I am and what I’ve experienced. I want to help illuminate the path for them. Kids don’t listen to us; they copy us.

What are your crucial parenting tips?
It goes without saying that we have to honor our children. They are so vulnerable. I don’t believe in being my kids’ friend; I am their parent. I will tell them what I think is right, and I will stop them from doing something I believe is injurious to them. I will always seek to explain why and apply it to their lives. I will admit when I’m wrong; it’s not always easy, but it’s critical to do that.

Now, how do you find your personal balance, between your nine children and your career?
I’m a very involved father, and that doesn’t take a lot of work. It’s not something that I brag about. I love being with my children. I love seeing them grow up; I love seeing their individual characters form. I love bike riding, hiking, with them. I love studying with them. I absolutely hate doing homework with them.

I hate it, too! Why do you hate it?
Oh, I hate it. I hated it when I was a kid; I hate it even more now. I force myself; I bite my teeth when I have to do it. I don’t know how to do this stuff anymore. At least when I was a kid I pretended to know how to do mathematics. Now I can’t do any of it.

My daughter is doing math now that I did in 5th grade. I have to Google how to do it.
I don’t Google it. I just fake it. I say, “Just slap an answer down!” My doing homework with my kids is not about them getting better grades in school. Of course, that is what you want. That’s not what it’s primarily about, though. It’s primarily about me doing something that I detest and hate for them. I will always do things for them and put them first. It’s about making them feel unique, special, and valuable. I hate doing the homework thing. God, how I hate it! My wife tries to absolve me and do some of it. But that’s being a parent. You don’t always do the stuff that you love. You do what’s right, and pursue the righteous course.

Well, can’t you split the homework with your wife?
Well, I don’t mind the writing assignments.

Because that’s what you love.
I love history as well. I learn so much reading their papers on historical topics. But I’m the one who does all the outdoor stuff with the kids. I’m very outdoorsy. Yesterday we went on a 30 mile bike ride. Half the kids did 15 miles and the older kids did the rest of it with me.

What’s a day like for you?
Well, I keep very late hours because that’s when I do most of my writing. I don’t see them much in the morning, because I’m a zombie. By the time the little ones come home, we will go take a walk and get ice cream or go on our bikes. We have dinner together as a family at 6:30. The next few hours are the kids. I’ll read the little ones bedtime stories. It’s almost like we’re two families. There are the five older kids, and the four younger kids. I’ll read with the younger kids and the older kids I study with, and it usually turns into a discussion. The kids are always complaining, “I have homework to do!” I think that quality time is very important to have, and most importantly, I get to teach my kids. I love teaching my kids. We study a portion of the Bible almost every day and I try to mix it up with historical things that I think relate to the Biblical stories.

Do they ever say, “Ugh, Dad, enough”?
Yes. Every night. Every day. Every second. “Why can’t we have a less involved father?!” You can’t be a helicopter parent. I want my kids to be autonomous and independent but I want to be the person who gets them focused on values and character.

Do you have any special plans for Father’s Day?
We don’t make a big deal out of Father’s Day. I see the kids all the time. I like the kids to make a big deal out of Mother’s Day. Taking care of your mother is one of your most important obligations. I can fend for myself until I’m senile and drool is coming out of my mouth. I like the kids to make presents for her and we take her out to dinner. But mostly my kids will ask me what I want to do and I’ll say, “I want to go on a 15 mile bike ride.” And they say, “Oh, God.” But they’ll do it; they’ll do something with me that I love on Father’s Day.

Let’s talk about your wife, Debbie. She is originally from Sydney, Australia.
We grew up together and we got married very young.  We are very attached to each other. We like spending time together. I travel a lot to support my family, and she will come with me sometimes. One of the passions Debbie and I share is that we love the beauty of nature.

Most importantly, we love our children and we want to inspire them. Kids are not inspired. I think it’s our obligation, first and foremost, to inspire our children. You have to make kids realize that life is an incredible blessing. They have an obligation to make the most of themselves and not squander their potential. Sometimes I don’t feel inspired. It requires a lot of work of oneself; you have to lift yourself up so you can lift your kids up to show them how to live righteously and to have a happy, purpose-lived life.