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Tuesday, May 15, 2007

Spanking Your Children

Dear Rabbi Shmuley,

 

Please settle an argument that I have been having with my husband.  His father was physically abusive with him, and so he vowed at an early age never to lay a hand on his children.  As luck would have it, we now have the most energetic, rambunctious four-year-old East of the Mississippi.  I say we can spank him without risking long term emotional damage - my father swatted at me, and I turned out fine! - But my husband refuses to even consider this! Isn’t this a reasonable way to have an influence on a child?

 

Fed Up in Chicago

 

Dear Chicago,

 

The Talmud says that what prevented Joseph from sinning with Potiphar’s wife was the vision of his father that flashed before his eyes. Here he was, seventeen years old, at the height of his youthful passions, and a beautiful woman, Potiphera’s wife, threw herself at him; yet he resisted because his father was ‘with him’ in the room. No -one else could see him but Joseph, because his father had become the invisible voice of conscience that accompanied him everywhere.

 

How does a parent become that voice of conscience? If we are too much of a disciplinarian, or only use ‘the stick’, it may have an immediate result, but the effect is ephemeral and external. We are not influencing the child directly. There are many parents who make this mistake. They think that their purpose is to use as much coercion and instill as much guilt as possible in order to get their child to comply. But if you can have a dialogue with your child from a very early age, you ensure that his mind absorbs your teaching internally, so that it always stays with him. When you actively discipline your child with the rod, then, yes, you have a certain power over him. But if you speak constructively to a child, and treat him like an adult, you suddenly have influence over him. Power is temporary and always invites a backlash. Influence is eternal and invites no backlash because the child does not feel that he is being forced to do anything. Rather, he feels that he is choosing of his own accord to follow a given path.

 

So, while there is nothing wrong with hitting your child on the hand - indeed, some situations positively call for it - it is much more constructive to talk to his heart. Don’t assume that children are too young to understand. They understand a whole lot more than we give them credit for.

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