Thursday, October 16, 2008

The Rabbi Shmuley Show - Bad Friends

Bad Friends
LIVE Friday 10-17

When Rabbi Shmuley’s oldest daughter Mushki was younger, she brought a
friend with her on a family road trip.  “Mushki changed in front of our
eyes in about two weeks!”  He says that at one point, Mushki came out of
their RV and had a big sunflower drawn all over her arm by her friend.  “I
remember my wife Debbie saying to her—two weeks, and you’re not you
anymore?  Where’s your willpower?”

How is it that one friend can change a child in the span of a few weeks?
Most importantly, how do we talk to our kids about maintaining their
personality and core convictions, despite peer pressure to change?

“Bad friends are a real problem, because you see kids deteriorating quickly
when they have a bad friends.  You can directly see how they affect your
child,” says Rabbi Shmuley.

One of the biggest problems is that a lot of parents don’t control their
kids—and your kids will use that against you.  “But my friends are
allowed to stay out until midnight.  But my friends are allowed to see
rated-R movies.  It’s almost like parents who try to do good are punished
by parents who don’t care,” says Rabbi Shmuley.

It’s not enough to say they have bad friends—it’s a parents’
responsibility to mitigate their negative influence on their children.

Trust your gut—if you can tell that your child is changing, that’s a red
flag.  “Pay attention especially if they’re starting to show negative
qualities that they weren’t raised with, and the other friend has,” says
Rabbi Shmuley.

How do you know if a kid is a “bad friend?”  Here are some red flags—
1. You start seeing your child change the way that they dress.  Girls may
dress more provocatively, and boys more rebelliously.
2. Their interest in activities changes to what their friend is interested
in.  Your child suddenly thinks their favorite activity is uncool.
3. You see a change in attitude—a child that was once sweet and caring
becomes rebellious or crass, or uses foul language they’ve never used
before.
4. They are at this friend’s house—they are obsessed with making time
for and spending time with this friend.
5. The “bad friend” is exclusionary - meaning that their friend off from
their old friends, or pressures them to hang with a new group.
6. They spend a huge amount of time on the phone or on Instant Messenger
with this friend.
7. Not wanting to be home, and pushing their curfew to the limit.
8.  Most importantly, you get a feeling that your child is subordinate to
the bad friend, and that they exert undue influence on your child.

“We as parents cannot let our children be dominated by another child.
That’s when it can get really bad,” says Rabbi Shmuley.

What can parents do?
“First, talk to your kids about the influence this other child is having on
them.  Remind them that no one should have so much influence on them that
they start changing who they are.”  Tell them that you see them changing.
“It’s one thing to have a friend, it’s another thing to have a master.  For
so many kids, it’s like the other friend becomes their boss.”   See if your
child ratchets down the amount of time they spend focusing on this friend.

“If that doesn’t work, don’t hesitate to cut your child off from this
friend.  If you think they’re bad together, that’s it,” says Rabbi Shmuley.

Anticipate that your kids aren’t going to be happy about this.  “But you
have to bear with it.  They’re going to complain, but you have to get
through that time,” says Rabbi Shmuley.

Also, anticipate that the parents of the other kids might get involved.
“One of my kids once had a bad friend, and after we didn’t allow them to
hang out anymore, the father of the other child called me and confronted
me.  He asked ‘why don’t you like my son?  He’s not good enough for your
son?”  Rabbi Shmuley responded that “No, it’s not your son or my son.  It’s
that their bad together, and I’d rather they don’t spend time together
anymore.”

Don’t take away something without trying to add something positive.
“Parents can also help their kids find new and better friends.  Introduce
them to other kids in different circles.  Put them in a new after-school
activity where they’ll be with a positive group of kids that share your
family values,” says Rabbi Shmuley.

Encourage them to spend more time with their family.  “They might complain,
but down the road, they’ll be glad they’re close to their brothers and
sisters. Friends move away, but siblings will be there for you forever,”
says Rabbi Shmuley.

SHMULEYISM:  After parents, friends are the most important influence on our
children’s lives.  It’s therefore incumbent upon us to make sure our
children aren’t being negatively influenced by so-called “friends.”   We
have to negate the toxicity that can come from bad friends by ensuring that
our kids are with children we approve of, whose parents also safeguard the
influences that enter their lives.