Tuesday, May 15, 2007

To Pre-nup or not to Pre-nup, That is the Question

Dear Rabbi Boteach,

 

I am about to marry an amazing, stunning, sensitive woman, and cannot wait to begin sharing my life with her.  We are both widowers, and I count myself so fortunate to have another chance at happiness.  Here is the only problem: I am very, very wealthy.  I do not believe that his has anything to do with her attraction to me, as we actually met on a religious retreat in the desert - and one would never have guessed the magnitude of my assets.  But everyone in my family advises that we draw up a Pre-nuptial agreement.  I have not broached the subject with her, as I am afraid of how it might sound to her.  What do you think?

 

Please help,

Muddled in my Millions

 

Dear Muddled,

 

The greatest lesson in marriage is having someone with whom you can be totally natural.  The only time that we are free to be ourselves, to be completely natural, is within the comfort of our own home.  Indeed, in my opinion, this constitutes the only real reason to marry. After all, why give up so many freedoms for so paltry a payoff? Is having someone to share the rent with or have a child with really worth the total sacrifice of independence? Unless, of course, the main benefit is to gain your very humanity, to finally have someone in your life around whom there is no pretense.  At work everyone judges you by productivity. But when you come home you don’t have to do, you can just be.

But with a prenuptial we have the very reverse of this. Not only can you not trust enough to be yourself around the person you marry, but worse - it places them as suspect number one!  Simply put, if you cannot trust the person you are marrying to know that they are not marrying you for you money, then you should not be marrying them.  You may argue: “But what if something goes awry? How can we know what the future will hold in the way of resentment or vengeance?” Answer: better to lose your money, and at least have the possibility of finding someone with whom you can be totally natural, then to take those pre-nup precautions and create an air of skepticism from the very get-go. Man and wife are intended to become one flesh. And it is not just “love” that makes this possible.  More so than love even, it is the “little things” that sew the human seams. Joint bank accounts under the same name. A shared a last name.  And mind you - a woman need not take the man’s name - surely a man can take his wife’s’.  I couldn’t care either way, so long as their surname is identical. It is the sharing, the exchange which is important.  Don’t lose sight of what is really essential in a marriage.  DO not be trapped by your money - instead allow it to buy your freedom.