Tuesday, May 15, 2007

Unconditional and Conditional Love

Dear Rabbi Shmuley,

My wife is totally confusing me.  She claims that she hates when I tell her that I love her just the way she is, faults and all, because then it sounds as if I am “settling” with her.  And yet, isn’t the whole point of marriage to be comfortable and yes - settled, because you have found someone who loves you unconditionally?  It is the same way I feel about my kids - I expect great things of them, and yet I would love them no matter what.  Why can she not just accept this?

 

Joseph in Charlotte

 

Dear Joe,

 

The great paradox of love is that we want it to be unconditional and conditional.

Obviously, we all want to be loved unconditionally- to be loved and not dismissed by our partners regardless of how old and wrinkly we get or how our financial and social circumstances vary.

However, we also seek conditional love. Nobody wants someone to simply love them just because they have the capacity to do so, making the loved one replaceable. In other words, in unconditional love, the emphasis is always on the person giving it- they have the capacity to give it even though it is not deserved. In conditional love, it is the receiver who elicits the love because of certain qualities they possess, whether it be humor, beauty or intelligence. Therefore, what we seek is a combination of both- we want to be loved unconditionally and have noted virtues as and this is the paradox of love, one that most relationships do not achieve.

Here you have why heterosexual relationships are so special- on the one hand, you have partner who is just like you, who can understand you, who laughs at your jokes, and who can see and appreciate your inner and outer beauty. On the other hand, you are opposite sexes. No man will ever understand a woman completely (and vice versa) so it becomes necessary to show her unconditional love. He has to love even the aspects of her he does not understand.  So you now must render to each other both conditional as well as unconditional love. And it is in the eclectic tension that such a contradiction creates that sustains relationships and makes them endlessly creative.

 

So what your wife is saying to you is this: Sure I want your unconditional love. I want to know that you will never abandon me. But I also want to know that every day you wake up and look at me and fine me irresistible. I want to know that it is I who is worthy of love, and not just you who are capable of giving it.

All the best,

Rabbi Shmuley