Tuesday, May 15, 2007

Why the Sudden Withdrawal?

Dear Rabbi Boteach,

 

I met this amazing man through my work, and we found that over a period of six weeks our friendship blossomed into something really quite wonderful.  The problem is, we never quite defined it—- and out of the blue last week he pulled away saying that, “Something did not seem right”.  What can he mean by this? And why can I not stop blaming myself and re-examining the course of events over and over again? It is driving me crazy Shmuley!

 

Signed,

Mona 

 

Dear Mona,

First of all, I do not believe in agonizing over lost relationships, which it sounds like you are trapped in doing.  We examine the past for only two reasons: in the terms of what can be learned from it, or in the case where there is truly a reason why a relationship must be salvaged (vows, children, the like).

It seems that this is not one which can or should be salvaged, so let us examine what exactly happened here. You felt you had intimacy with someone and suddenly they withdrew—why?  It is easy to blame oneself, or to think that it is for reasons which can be changed or ‘fixed’.  But really, they are things that should not, and probably can not be fixed right now, or by you.  You have no idea what exactly what was going on in this guys’ head.  He could have problems with intimacy, he could have been hurt in a previous relationship, he could simply not be ready for a relationship. 

What is clear to me, is that there is actually little to be learned from this instance, for in many ways it is an abnormality—which of course makes it all the more puzzling, and somehow fascinating for you.  You could not have predicted its course, and intelligent people like to be able to see where things are leading while on the journey.  This journey simply did not make sense.  That happens sometimes.  Hence there is very little to gain from constant re-examination of the facts.  It is a tough prescription, but must be said.  Move on and live your life.  There is so much out there.  Don’t deny yourself out of pain and loss.